He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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