How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
