Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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