He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
