can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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