who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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