god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
