I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
