Your face is a jimmy john
I met the friendliest cop last night
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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