I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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