I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
