She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize