My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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