There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Randomize
