if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
