Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
