"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
