Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't deserve a penis
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
