I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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