Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
