In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
