what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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