I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Houston, we have a blender
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
