I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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