So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
