I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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