you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
