Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
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We're not piercing ourselves today.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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