you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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