Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
