I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
