Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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