The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
