the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
