I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave