i need an iv and a liver transplant
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.