I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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