He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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