and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
