I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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