All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
