listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
