I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
