dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
