There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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