My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
