Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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