I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
