I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
