gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
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I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
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SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you made out with another girl for some wings
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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