If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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