i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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