I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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