ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
