my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
